Friday, October 16, 2015

Tough Week

Holding it all together (more like strangling all my emotions in a tangle of ropes) until my husband got home late last night from his week in Utah. 

Two days spent deciding the fate of another in a courtroom. These things aren't easy, and if I wasn't trying to manage my household by text it would have been easier, but it wiped me out. 

Finding out one of my newest employees got so frustrated while I was away that he quit with no notice. This one stung a bit. Things didn't have to be like that. Others were responsible for things that would have made his work more pleasant. I could have done more. Then the realization that he could have done more too - like relax a bit and be flexible. 

Two more days of double booked appointments because of jury duty going long. Hours of extra workload because of missing employee. Hours of missing sleep. 

The phone call one morning that my cat got hit by a car. The Good Samaritan who witnessed it took her to the vet hospital, where she was kindly treated and I was kindly paying the $270 to get her out of there. She's ok, and just needs snuggles. And a broken tooth removed some day soon. And a full time job. 

The visit from my daughter and my Mom, who came up to sit with me for my son's evening football game. Humor heals. So do hugs. Doesn't hurt that they put another win in the books.

Going to bat with the school administration. Again. Feeling that my child shouldn't be punished for a miscommunication between adults. Rules are for a reason, I know this. But, policy isn't always the best way when nobody broke a rule to begin with. Detest confrontation - yet my kids are worth it. 

The notification that came by text that my girl didn't get in to what she worked SO HARD to try out for. Feeling defeated for her, and wanting her to never give up her dreams, but so, so proud that she tried. 

Remembrance Day. Reading so many posts about babies who have been loved by mothers and fathers who never get to raise them because they didn't make it into the world. Two for her, one for her, four for that Momma over there, one for my own Mom... Heart just crushed under the weight of caring so much for those who hurt. Strangely feeling guilty for never experiencing that type of loss. Survivors guilt? What is this thing? 

Feeling a different kind of loss. The loss of a person who sits right next to you. The person who you feel is slipping away, and nothing you try to do is fixing it. It's consuming. Stressful. Terrifying. Sad. 

Then He was home. The phone in one hand, on speaker, and sprawled out on the bed as a guy who has driven too many miles would do. I went to him, buried head in his chest, received hug and proceeded to silently unravel the ropes holding my heart together. I inhaled him and then the welling up became tears and the tears became sobs. All of the sudden and unexpected, it was as if someone turned on a faucet. The kind that has more pressure behind it than you knew about and your whole shirt gets wet. His shirt got wet. 

The voice on the speakerphone just kept going and going. The tears kept coming. Silently, but physically obvious. The patting on my back intensified, and he said "Later dude, I have to call you back."  Bigger hugs, with both hands free, and an understanding face, a warm beating heart. He was home, and so was I. Nobody ever returned that phone call, but I did fall fast asleep for the first time all week.