Friday, November 19, 2010

I Can't Stand It!

Ok so ya'll probably thought you'd come here to find a blog about me wigging out over something dramatic, but you were wrong. This is just for fun, it's not dramatic at all... merely factual. *cough* And dramatic.

I saw someone I admired (Chris August, one of my new favorite musicians, to be exact) in a video recently where he showed the rest of us how to make his favorite chocolate chip cookie and milk recipe. It was pretty amusing. He modeled his short video after a conglomeration of some famous cooking shows (much to my delight) but what he was making pretty much turned out to be some sort of an edible cookie-paste. I was not interested at all in trying his "recipe", but I was intrigued as his humor, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from the things that really got my goat. Not the goat out in my pasture, but my GOAT. The thing inside me that makes me do some sort of an internal grimace whenever I'm confronted with the goat-getting thing. In this instance, it was the fact that he was crumbling up cookies and the crumbs were going everywhere. That sort of stuff bugs me and I never really quite realized it until I was watching him.

So - over the course of the day I've come to realize that I have several things on my "I Can't STAND It!" list. And, I wanted to share them. Because you know you've been dying to know this stupid very interesting stuff about me.

Stuff I CAN'T STAND (in no particular order, but mostly in my kitchen)

1. Crumbs all over the place. If you're gonna munch something up, at least have the decency to hang whatever you're munching things with out over a plate, bowl, sink or garbage can. Or go outside. Yeah, do that.

2. Milk left out. Take it out, use it, put it back. It's that simple. (In the video, I noticed that Chris put his concoction in the fridge for fifteen minutes. The camera cut away during that time, but when he came back, the milk was STILL sitting on the counter. See? My goat was got right there!

3. Putting short stuff on the tall shelves. If it's short, put it on a short shelf. It's that simple. If there's a small jar of relish sitting next to the big ol' gallon of milk, I'm gonna have to do some unplanned rearranging, because relish doesn't really need that much headroom. I don't like doing that rearranging thing because I come across this next doozy...

4. Plastic wrap on leftovers. Stop that before I slap ya. Use the dadgum containers with lids. That way when you stack the bowl of refried beans on top of the corn, it doesn't fall in and swim for three days before it gets noticed.

5. Open glasses of beverages in the fridge. Seriously? The only one allowed to do that is ME. And that's because, and I promise, I'm the only one who ever cleans them up when they get hit with a plastic wrapped bowl of refried beans floating in corn and knocked over backwards to spill down the rear of the fridge, into the veggie drawer where it soaks my celery in a milky brine (for three days before anyone notices).

6. Ice cubes on the floor. Do you really think that nobody will notice? Hello people, I wear socks in the house. I will notice. It may be somewhat room temperature by the time I do, but it will happen. And  from now on,when it does happen, I will track you down and put whatever else is stuck to the bottom of my sock into your icy cold beverage. You won't even know I was there.

7. Refrigerated empty containers. You've all come across one of these specimens before. The empty juice container in the fridge, simply chilling out with nothing in it. It gives me such a sense of disappointment whenever I happen upon this type of mystery. First, I'm alarmed at who on earth would think of doing something so dreadful (since we are all about loving and serving each other, right?) Second, I'm sorely disappointed that I don't get to drink whatever my tastebuds were primed and ready for. It's a bummer. And someone around here is gonna get pizza with no toppings for dinner one of these nights. That'll teach ya!

8. Missing utensils. Where on earth did my wire mesh colander go? I mean really, can it just vanish overnight? One day I'm happily rinsing black beans, the next day I'm left to use one of those plastic jobbies with the too-big holes punched in the bottom. It's probably out dancing with my favorite slotted spoon in the mucky flowerbeds, or hanging out with my best stainless steel bowl in the rain soaked chicken yard. Who does this stuff?

For the most part, the people who do this stuff are the ones I live with. I'm pretty sure some of these people live at your house too, so please go right ahead and sound off about the MOST annoying thing that goes on in your kitchen. Is it the bread bag that never gets closed? The ice cube tray left empty? I could suggest the missing blocks of cheese. One minute it's there, the next it's gone because someone was overcome with starvation and polished off a whole container of something that was set aside for tomorrow's special potluck dish (that drives me crazy too!) One day, an entire package of bologna disappeared. I didn't even know it was gone until the next day - after I spent the whole night at my son's bedside because he was violently ill with the stinkiest vomit you've ever smelled. Can you believe he still asks for bologna sandwiches after all that? Something is wrong with that boy.

Anyway, I've about had enough of my carrying on. Thanks for listening. I hope you had as much fun as I did.


CaraDD said...

BUhwah haha! Love it. Totally.

Mokihana said...

Hey! That was my list! Except I must confess... if an ice cube falls on the floor I kick it outside the back door where itʻll melt. Ahahahahaha!