Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Back Acher's Practical Guide to Weight Loss

I'm not going to say that I'm an expert, but I've been struggling with my weight long enough to declare myself "superior in the wisdom of what works and what doesn't". I've got a list here, of the tried and true ways that the weight stays off. Or at least it doesn't go UP (much), but whatever. These methods WORK. I should charge for this kind of advice. Or start a fan club.

BIRTHDAYS
  1. When it's time for a birthday, don't spend all day making a cake and frosting. You will consume too many hidden calories when you lick the bowl. The spoon. The spatula. And the beaters. And the front of your blouse. Instead - go out and BUY a cake. It comes with free frosting.
  2. When you share the cake, after a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday to you, You live in a zoo...", you should cut the cake into small pieces. You will be less inclined to eat a large one, and then when you go back for a second piece, you will have eaten less calories and fat by having two small pieces than if you had stuffed in two large ones. You see people? It's just simple math.
  3. The day after a birthday, after you consume a piece of leftover chocolate cake for breakfast, you should throw a clean dish towel over the cake in order to keep it out of sight, and out of mind. This will keep you from downing the same amount of sugar for lunch too. Plus, it will make your dish towels taste better.
MEALS
  1.  The best method for keeping meals healthy, is to eat them on the run. Running (around town in a suburban full of children) + meals = heathy. Right??
  2. Skip dessert. You probably already had some for breakfast anyway, and if you skip dessert after dinner, then you'll save yourself TONS of weight gain. If you feel the urge to have dessert, at least find something with protein in it, like peanut butter.
  3. Sit down to eat with the family at least [fill in the blank] times per week. If you lose your appetite over the dinnertime conversations like I usually do, chances are, you'll not put away so many calories. If you increase the amount of times your entire family is required to eat together, then you will lose lots more weight over the long haul. Eat with your family - it's great for your health!

SNACKS
  1. If you should decide to eat Cheetos for a snack, do yourself a favor and put some in a bowl, instead of hauling the entire bag around with you. This will keep your portion size down (to that of a large bowl of cereal) instead of an entire bag. This has extra benefits, in that you also won't have to explain to your children, who already saw the bag before it was ever opened, why they didn't get a single one. Keep this rule in mind: Your family will love you if you use a bowl, and so will your figure.
  2. Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that the urge for ice cream as an afternoon snack comes into play. The way to avoid this, is to just not eat it. But we know that's not reasonable, so the method that works for me is to bury it in the deep freeze. Do this the second you bring home the ice cream, and then when the urge strikes, you will be less inclined to eat as much ice cream because you can't manage to get any out of the container without a lengthy process that takes entirely too much time and energy. You'll more than likely seek some other source of comfort and calories. Hopefully you will happen upon a carrot or or a stick of celery or something else, and you'll actually talk yourself into it. Good luck with that.
  3. Peanut butter is a good alternative snack to things like chocolate cake and ice cream. But if the ice cream has peanut butter IN it, then you might as well go with the ice cream. Think of all the calories you will burn when you go out to dig it from the bottom of the deep freeze and attempt to chip out what resembles a scoop. Plus I'm sure the particular kind of peanut butter in ice cream packs as much protein and fiber as you'd expect from a jar of Jif anyway. And, to take it one step further, you are consuming a dairy product. Two birds with one stone. That's how I roll.

DRINKS
  1. The best drink is water. Drink lots of it. But don't drink it in the morning if you have lots of errands to run, or you'll be spending all your time running back and forth to the bathrooms at fast food joints along the way. Then, you'll be inclined to order something fattening while you're there - for fear of being judged as one of those people that uses the facilities, but never pays the rent. Also - don't drink water in the afternoons, because you need to save up bladder space for the hours you'll spend sitting and doing homework with your kids. If they catch you getting up and wandering off, chances are they will too. Then nothing will get done. Also, forget drinking water at night. Trust me, getting lots of rest is good for your metabolism, and drinking all sorts of water in the evening will ruin that. So drink water when you can. Which is pretty much never. 
  2. Avoid alcoholic beverages. They are loaded with calories and they do nothing to benefit your health. Although, they do make you look more attractive to your husband, so give him drinks. As much as he wants, so that he will do things like take out the trash because he believes you are a hot super model wife. 
  3. Have that cup of coffee. But limit yourself to just a few cups an hour. Caffeine boosts your heart rate, so you can probably get more chores done during the day, and it will help burn off that cake you ate for breakfast. Coffee should actually be listed as a health food. I'm not sure why it isn't yet. Could be all the loads of creamer we like to dump in it. So, the solution for that is to stick with the fat free kind. We all know that fat free means there aren't any calories either, so it's good for you. Stock up on it.
In summary...
Being healthy is an option. I've listed everything I can think of to help you, and if you decide to screw up and have cake for breakfast two days in a row, don't say I didn't warn you. At the very minimum, keep up with your coffee habits, and eat lots of meals with your family. May you have many healthy years to come.

6 comments:

Misty said...

you are so funny... but I don't want my dishtowels to taste at all.

Dana-from chaos to Grace said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! OMGosh that is SO FUNNY! I could see myself in so many of those.....WOW. The things we do.

But, I am PROUD to say, I am conquering this Giant! The Pepsi Giant is no longer! OK, I'll wait to allow you time to pick yourself up off the floor....

....you good? YES! I did it! I haven't had a Pepsi in over 3 WEEKS! That is HUGE for me!

And calories? Count 'em.

Exercise? Doing it when I can.

Thank you, Lexie, for the encouragement! You are such a dear friend!

Michal said...

hahahahaha...this is all so true!! You need to put this in a book! You are hilariously funny. I love your sense of humor :)

Miriam said...

Tee-hee. My favorite is the deep freeze tip. I'll have to use that instead of opening the popsicles on the drive home.

Amydeanne said...


At the very minimum, keep up with your coffee habits, and eat lots of meals with your family


yeah! lol not giving up the coffee lol.. starved and grumpy doesn't make a home very happy! LOL.

some great advice though!

Speaking from the Heart said...

May I be the president of your fan club?