Monday, October 19, 2009

Last Will & Testament

To whom it may concern,

I am a few days short of dying. It's all because of my treadmill. The last time I got on it, I felt every extra part of my body scream like never before. My hips are arguing with my every step, and now my upper back hurts as much as my lower back. Since we are all aware that my death is quickly approaching (it's a shock, I know), I would like to bequeath some of my most special belongings to those who have tortured me the most that I love and cherish. Please follow the directions or you will receive seven lashings with a wet towel.

Considering that my impending death is due only to my numerous attempts to use our stupid treadmill, I would like to make it very clear that my treadmill is to go to my husband, and only my husband. It was his stupid idea to buy the thing in the first place. I know that in all of his grief over my death, he will feel inclined to get on the treadmill to sweat away his sorrows. He might even feel inclined to use the incline feature. I don't know if the incline feature actually works, because I've never quite got the idea of attempting suicide on a treadmill, but I know that once he starts using it, he'll keel over (incline or no incline) and die too - that will be my way of getting back at him from beyond the grave.

Once he arrives in heaven with me, with our new and wonderful bodies, we will no longer need the recumbent bike that sits, in all hostility, next to the treadmill. I would like the recumbent bike to go to my children. They can fight over it, and may the biggest whiner win. All of the "it's MY turn" will not be heard by me any longer, so I really don't give a care. Hopefully when someone cleans out my exercise room/laundry room/library/storage room they will come across the dag-blasted power cord for the recumbent bike so that anyone who peddles more than a quarter of a mile won't blow out their knees like I have.

Among my other prized possessions is my exercise ball. The big, giant formerly-inflated piece of junk goes to my youngest child. Since he's the one that insisted on bouncing around on it immediately after he broke a jar in my living room, he can have the shredded pieces of rubber as a long-term remembrance of how much his Mother's patience was stretched thin.

My daughters will receive my sweaty workout clothes. This is a special payback for all the damp, stinky, sweaty gym shorts and volleyball uniforms they have left for me to take care of every day of their middle school lives. I would also throw in all of my bath towels, except they probably already have 27 of them in their room, in a wet heap on the floor.

My elder son will be the recipient of my walking shoes. He can't ever seem to find more than one shoe at a time, so I'm hoping that by giving him a pair of shoes that have always sat side by side, he might feel inclined to follow suit and give his next set of parents a more harmonious home.

Sincerely,
(and while gasping-for-my-last-breath)
~The girl who's dying from treadmill abuse

8 comments:

Beth E. said...

Hahaha...this is hilarious! I feel the same way about our treadmill. It hates me! Every time I get on it, it slips and jerks, trying to throw me. We have the only bucking treadmill known to man! ;-)

Misty said...

you are so funny! I adore you...

I love my excercise ball. Just sayin'...

He & Me + 3 said...

That was so cute. I sure wish I could say that some type of exercise was causing my death...I need to hop on that.
you are too funny. Take it easy.

Amydeanne said...

love it! lol you're a goof! lol what size are you're runners? maybe you can leave me those? lol

Speaking from the Heart said...

This is too funny. You have made my Tuesday. Have an awesome day, my friend.

momof3darlings said...

All of my comments on here begin with:

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And this would be why! Girl, you crack me UP! LOL

And this is why we do not exercise. ;)

Mom2three said...

I love it! I would have to leave mine to hubby so he could hang his clothes from it, and the cat my shoes - she has a fettish for our shoes. Thanks for sharing and making my day!

Mokihana said...

Very very funny.... but please don't go dying on me...