Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just another day?

If today is just another day, then why does it feel sooooo difficult? Since January, we lost my Grandpa Charlie, then my Grandma Alice was placed under Hospice care, we all got a nasty stomach virus and then we shared colds, I had an awful case of bronchitis, our time ministering with the worship team came to an abrupt end, my daughter had her 8th surgery on her ear, and she came down with Pneumonia the same week I lost my OTHER Grandma.

*tap tap tap*
God, can you hear me down here? Could you please just lighten my load a bit? I'm not asking for much... maybe something like, no housework for a week or so just so I can catch my breath? I'm ready for a do-over.

This morning as I scooted my VERY upset and highly emotional child off to school, still carrying the lingering effects of Pneumonia, I almost really lost my temper. She is afraid of appearing weak in front of everyone else. But little does she know, the path has been prepared for her. The people at school know about what she's going through, they are aware of her need for extra attention over the remaining 2 school days this week and I'm sure they will take good care of her.

Then I realized she's just like me. I am afraid of appearing weak right now too. My emotions are right at the surface, just ready to spill over at any second. It feels like I'm just going through the motions of life, and maybe sometime soon things will get back to normal. But... this IS normal. It is ok to feel deep grief over losing someone that means a lot to you, that you felt close to. I will miss my grandparents terribly - and it's ok to feel that.

God has prepared my path too. He knew what I would be going through right now, and has placed people and events in my path all along to help me grow stronger. We must get THROUGH this time, we can't get around it, or over it, or even avoid it. It's in going through things that we gain strength to get to the next level. It reminds me of the crazy video games that my sons love to play. If you don't complete your mission, then you can't move on to another. The first level trains you, strengthens you, and helps carry you to the next. Hmm, this reminds me of algebra.

After my kids left for school, and the little guy was still sleeping, I realized that I hadn't been alone in over a week. All the thoughts and grief over burying my Grandma on Monday came rushing over me like a huge wave. I was a mess. I was not prepared to literally CARRY her in her plain pine box, along with my 3 strong cousins, my husband and my uncle, to her grave. Those people watching us - what did they think? I bet a couple were wondering if my back hurt. My back hurts like crazy ALL the time, but let me tell ya, I didn't feel one ounce of pain when I helped carry my Grandma's body to her earthly resting place. I felt no pain in my body until after I removed the flower from my lapel to place in the ground with her and I stuck myself with the pin. (I tell ya, I can't even have a funeral without an accident)

Being afraid of what's to come is normal. Digging in the heels, and begging for a pass is typical behavior of someone who is fearful and not trusting that the narrow path will take you where you need to go next. I'm growing in this - and while I'm at it, I'm lacing up my hiking boots and grabbing my walking stick. I'm ready to take on that little path, because God's right there with me.

Coquille River Lighthouse - Bandon, Oregon
-Grandma got to see this every day out her window!

13 comments:

Livy Girl! said...
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Livy Girl! said...
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Grandma Dora the Explorer said...

Putting the coffin together with your cousins and uncle Stuart was very therapeutic for me. The toughest time came just before the afternoon service when we met with the Rabbi and Ken and I put the lid on the coffin. It was such a final sound as I pushed down on my end.
Last night your mom and I went over to Magnolia to move grandmalice into her private room.Another tough time.
Thank you for all the wonderful posts.
Dad

Grandma Dora the Explorer said...

I love you too, Livy

He And Me + 3 said...

What a wonderful post! You are so strong & your faith in God is amazing. I know that you have had some tough times, but you have stood tall & pressed onward. You are growing through this trials...what a blessing even in the midst of storms.

Beth E. said...

Praying....really praying...for you! I understand the part about not wanting to appear weak. I'm the same way. When you started talking about that I almost turned around to see if you were behind me, "reading my mail."

You know what? God made every part of us. That includes our emotions. Without them, we would be very cold, heartless people. It's natural for you to go through a grieving process. Trust Him to lead you through it.

I'm here for you, if you need me for ANYTHING.

I wrote on your other blog, asking for some information. Please don't even worry about that right now. That was before everything hit the fan.

Love you,
Beth

Miriam said...

Hello from a county south of you... it may be some miles that separate us but, Lex, spiritually, I'm your next-door-neighbor. The path is prepared. If only the coffee were. Love and hugs.

Misty said...

this was really good lexie. And so true... God knows and prepares the necessary things long before we reach that place.

I am so sorry that you have had so much. SO much... I really am.

momof3darlings said...

oh sweetie! I am so very sorry. I'm thinking of you!

Amydeanne said...

you know somedays I hate learning through "life"... all the ups and downs.. it would be nice to just make it stand still for a bit... so i can catch my breath.

hugs. I hope you get some alone time. i know when i'm swarmed and don't get those few moments by myself i am not at my best to deal with all that comes my way.

xoxo
Amy

Melanie said...

Dear Alexis, Praying for you and all your family. May you feel the Lord's presence right there with you in the days and weeks ahead. Let HIM be your strength when you feel weak and let HIM guide your paths.

Love you and will continue to pray!

heidi said...

Dearest, sweetest, kindest Lexie...

Mwah. I send you love.

Beth E. said...

Hey there! Just stopping in to check on you. I miss your posts. I miss your pics. Shucks, I miss YOU. Hope to hear from you soon. :o)