Saturday, January 3, 2009

I Have Beautiful Lungs

Remember that bad sick feeling I've been having, that got worse after several HOURS of playing around in the rain for our false alarm HUGE flood? (It got up there, but not nearly as close as they were forecasting, thank you Jesus!)

Well, I went to see a doctor tonight, at the PUSHING of my Mother, who is not generally pushy, just... she likes to tell you her thoughts and expects you to follow her ideas. That's not pushy, that's called... um... well, she CARES, ok people? And if you care about her, you do what she suggests. It's always just a suggestion anyway. I can take it or leave it. I usually leave it.

Yeah right.

So, I guess she "heard" somewhere that I said I felt like I was breathing through a sock (eww, gross) and she SUGGESTED that I get off my dairyair derryerre derierre... behind and take myself to the doctor to see why I was feeling the feelings I was feeling. (I'm in a mood, just watch)

Anyhoo, so I promised my loving mother (who was on the way to visit my Grandpa in the hospital again) that I would promptly go take care of myself as soon as I got off the phone.

I tried. I called the doctors office and asked if I could squeak in a teeny tiny appointment to have someone listen to my sore breathing apparattus for just a minute or give me a strep swab or something. "Nope. But we can make an appointment for you on Tuesday!"


"Well," I said, "I'm sortakinda having a hard time breathing and I'm not sure I can wait until Tuesday."

Ladies and gentlemen, she laughed at me! AT ME?? Then she giggled her way through explaining the hours and directions to Urgent Care and bid me good bye.

Since my chest was burning whenever I breathed, I decided to go for it. I put on three shirts, a coat, scarf, gloves and my boots and went to find my husband. I forgot where he said he went, but I was in luck, because he was right outside. I'd go ask him for a ride, he'd have pity on me, rush me to the doctor and I'd be back in time to make dinner! Hooray!

BUT - nobody told him that when his pathetic looking wife walks outside and makes neck slicing "cut it off" motions while he was splitting wood (with the noisiest wood splitter on the PLANET, on the wettest, soggiest, heaviest rounds of gnarly walnut in the WORLD) that he'd need to shut it off and listen to her before she froze to death. She (being me) didn't know it was hitting the low 30's and that ice was starting to form on things when she walked out the door. HAVE NO FEAR, I DID NOT FALL AND INJURE MYSELF! This is not that kind of story!

Needless to say, he proceeded to continue his work (and his sweating, and his grunting and groaning, and his stacking, and his splitting, and his stacking) while he enjoyed the company of me standing there watching him. I guess he likes that. I didn't. My own blood was icing up in my veins even while running a slight fever. I was about to take HIS temperature as he was bent over picking up more wood when his parents showed up. His Mom kept me company for a few more loooong minutes and tried to have a conversation with me over the sound of the antique gas-powered wood splitter. My own breath started to freeze to my face, so I pulled out my cell phone, tapped out a text message and waved it in his face. IT WORKED! He looked shocked and after turning off the splitter he made some sort of hasty agreement to help his parents (they were moving his sisters belongings around again) and THEN told them he needed to run me to a doctors appointment first. Nice save buddy, nice save.

Half an hour later I was walking into Urgent Care. Amazingly, nobody recognized me. They must have some kind of turnaround in that clinic or something. The doctor saw me rather quickly, which was a nice surprise. Then, checked out everything that needed checked out, and then he sent me for x-rays.

WHAT? I don't need x-rays, just shove that extra long cotton swab down there and tell me if I need some medicine!

Ok, so I went down to get chest x-rays. Now, of ALL the x-rays I've had in my life, I've never had chest x-rays. I had NO clue how those worked. Would I have to lay down? I was briefly glad that I wore a sports bra, because if I had to lay down, I could get away with wearing my "non-metal undergarment" and wouldn't have to explain what those shadowy things were in my armpits after they took the picture. Oh, those are just growths doc, no further testing necessary (Good GRIEF!)

Too bad. I had to take off EVERYTHING waist up, and put on a cute little half-robe. The nice girl allowed me to take two half-robes, so I slung one around front, and one around back and called it a two-fer.

I KNEW the x-ray tech would recognize me. I'm a frequent flier, only this time I was flying a different plane. I got lucky, he didn't recognize me in my smashing new outfit. (He probably only knows me by my extremeties, and honey, a chest x-ray does NOT constitute extremities!

Anyway, it wasn't so bad. I had to stand up, give an x-ray board a BIG SQUISHY HUG and then do a couple more really weird poses and then I was done. I went out and told my husband that the tech had to "lift me up" to get the right chest shots and I got quite a fun reaction. Then he got an even more fun reaction when I started coughing really hard after laughing at him. Serves me right for being a big liar to my devoted (sweaty, covered in sawdust) husband.

The doctor came back after awhile, informed me that I have GERD (huh??) which is completely unrelated to my current issues (but does answer that problem I've been having where I constantly feel the need to swallow), and he gave me The Purple Pill and then said my lungs were beautiful. They were completely clear and all I have is a doozy of a case of bronchitis to work myself out of. He gave me more symptoms of pneumonia to watch out for and sent me with a "back up prescription" for antibiotics in case I think I need them and directions to avoid housework for the next 25 years and get plenty of rest. YES SIR!

Things sure have changed at the clinic. I went in expecting one thing and came out with medicine for something I didn't go in for, and got new photographs too. I'm not feeling pretty right now, but it's nice to know my lungs are!


Jen said...

I've never heard of GERD. Anyway, hope your bronchitis goes away and you feel better really soon!

Misty said...

ahhh Gerd. fun stuff...

Feel better my friend!

God Bless Text Messaging.

Amydeanne said...

Glad your lungs are okay, even if you're feeling crappy.. i know i feel like i'm freaking out but ya just never know sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gerdy... =) well now that I know I can hide amongst your posse, I will once more leave you comments of beloved depths. I have to go back through your blogs now though and tell you what I would have said had I posted at that time... I love you much... =)

You really should send me new pajama pants since you make me ruin them every time we talk!

Katrina said...

Awww, sorry about your bronchitis... but you sure picked an entertaining way to tell us! Great writing. : )

Hope you feel better soon!

Beth E. said...

I had no idea that GERD could be diagnosed by having a chest xray!

Glad you don't have pneumonia. I got a kick out of this're too funny! :o)

Feel better soon...

startastical said...

Good thing for short term memory loss at the Urgent Care! I guess it is a good thing to listen to your mamma at least once in a while. Hope you are feeling better soon. Hey the kids go back to school tomorrow. You should get a nice "break." Yeah right! Love You!

Miriam said...

Well, what a happy new year to you! What the heck is Gerd? Hope it's gone soon!

Dana-from chaos to Grace said...

I am SO sorry you aren't feeling well, but OMG I was ROLLING at your descriptions of it! LOL You are HILARIOUS...sick...but still HILARIOUS! LOL

Take care of yourself!