Friday, November 28, 2008

How NOT to Make Gravy

I honestly WANTED to come back here and post how NOT to do gravy... but... well... hey! I guess I can! It's not exactly how you'd probably imagined it (and neither did I, for that matter) but hey, I'm living it. So I'm sharing it.

17 Easy (as pie) steps to
NOT get stuck making gravy
on Thanksgiving
(or any other very important holiday, for that matter)

Step 1. Take a look at your calendar and decide that whichever special day you'd like to celebrate will be appropriately placed right during the peak hours of PMS.

Step 2. Throw such a tizzy fit over every single detail that your spouse drags you out of the house to go buy groceries that you wouldn't do earlier because you couldn't get a grip.

Step 3. Throw a matching tizzy fit, only with more tears and drama, into a conversation while still in the car in the parking lot at the grocery store. Then, refuse to accompany your spouse into the store because you look like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, and watch as he gets out of the car and heads into the store himself. Without a list.

Step 4. Get really upset that your spouse would have the nerve to leave you in the car, whilst having a tizzy, and sporting an embarrassing red nose with coordinating red-rimmed eyelids. Get out of the car, and proceed to walk to nowhere in general.

Step 5. Act all upset when he calls you on your cell phone to ask where the gravy-in-a-jar is located at the stupid store that YOU chose, because he does not know his way around. AT. ALL.

Step 6. Realize he has no clue that you are out wandering strange neighborhoods, and hang up all upset and keep walking to nowhere. Glare at people because they are looking at you.

Step 7. Walk so far that your behind gets sweaty because you have such a huge, warm coat on, and the purse you brought along with you is carrying bricks.

Step 8. Stop at a store far, far away from the above mentioned grocery store to use the restroom because you didn't calculate how far you could walk on a half full bladder to begin with.

Step 9. Leave the restroom, pat the sweat off your forehead (since you already patted it off the other areas) and proceed to the nearest bench to get your pulse back down to "normal" range.

Step 10. Answer the cell phone again. Act like you don't know where you are, as you leave the store in a hurry and cut down a back alley to avoid the only person on the planet who currently thinks you're still worth it.

Step 11. Give in to the persistant man in the car who is circling the block asking you to please get in so we can go home to our children who will surely be wondering where we are at this point. Go home with him. Take a double dose of pain relievers and bounce around between appearing half drunk and feeling half drunk. Hug kids and go to bed.

Step 12. Give children away first thing the next morning. (This is important)

Step 13. Spend a long, lonely day pouting about everything that is bothering you and then take four hours to even begin to resolve earlier conflict.

Step 14. Cry a lot more. Allow spouse to get closer than 10 feet away in order to say it's no big deal to him that all your body parts hurt and that he'll massage them before he goes to make the whole dinner because he loves you.

Step 15. Actually let him do it. Then go try to find his wife.

Step 16. Wipe down the table, and light candles. Sit down with your happy face, and be thankful for everything you have, the blessings you don't deserve, and that you have not been murdered during the preceeding 24 hours.

Step 17. Amen, I can't wait until Christmas.

13 comments:

startastical said...

Sounds like you need a holiday vacation! I think there are restaurants that stay open on holidays just to provide you the kind of holiday relief you need.

Katie said...

Vacation time!

I have been a PMS monster too. Makes for some fun times let me tell ya!

momof3darlings said...

SERIOUSLY NOW!!! Are you following me?? LOL Oh me, oh my...well, you could have just described my week. UGH! Mother Nature is a cruel woman.

heidi said...

Oh, Snap. It WAS bad, wasn't it? I hate it when my 'ugly' comes out to play. :-( Hang in there.

Mokihana said...

I think it must be contagious... it just two days to get up here to me.

Thank God for a patient hubby.

Sorry your day was so awful! Do you mind if I don't try your recipe?

Miriam said...

Wh-uut? They make gravy in a JAR?

karina said...

ROFLOL!!!

Oh, if we had only been doing Not Me Monday about 18 months ago!! I just have to tell you this little story, maybe it will ease your mind.

I was pregnant, very pregnant with our 5th child when my raging hormones put me into a rage. On the way over to our friends' house to pick up our eldest after a sleep over my husband stopped at Wendy's against my wishes. It was about 8 pm and we hadn't had dinner because I was in a tizzy (raging hormones, ya know!). I stayed in the car stewing until I could stand it no longer. Then I entered Wendy's, yelled at my husband for spending money on dinner, and walked out.

And, walked away. I was 8 months pregnant (did I mention I was huge?!) I was determined to walk home, 18 miles away. By the time my husband and children finished their meal I was well down the road and out of sight.

Not knowing which way I had gone, he had no choice but to go to our friends', pick up our daughter and tell them what was happening because he was very visibly upset. They did a search around the neighborhood, called anyone they could think of who I might have contacted. An hour and a half later he decided to drive home and look for me on the way.

Meanwhile, my rage had carried me (in the dark, did I mention that I was hugely pregnant!?) down the road about 6 or 7 miles. Yes, by the time he picked me up, I knew how stupid I was being and got in the car (partially because I didn't want to freak out my kids any further). And we drove home.

Can I tell you the next day when all my friends were calling to see what they could do to help me how embarrassed I was? Amazingly, my husband still loves me and deals with my hormones better than anyone should have to!

Now you know why I can laugh at your "How NOT to make gravy!"

I so did NOT post that story on a complete stranger's blog!

Amydeanne said...

awwww I can so relate to this post.. that darn pms monster is a nasty beast isn't it?
hugs to you my friend! You're not alone in that vicious cycle!
I read about 2 months back "the sos for pms" which really was helpful with it! it had about tracking it out so i knew when i was going to be crazy! So hubby could deal with me a little easier..
and i love the new LO! it's gorgeous!I wish I knew how to make some!

Tracy said...

Oh girl...you poor thing. PMS is so the ugly stealer of joy, isn't it??? I was definitely laughing with you (not at you) because I've been there.

Just last night I was having having a major attitude of my own (complete with rolling of the eyes) because of the way my husband wants our stockings hung on the fireplace...seriously!?!? Afraid so.

Hang in there girl....
Tracy

Mrs. B said...

We must be secretly related.



And I DID make gravy in a jar this year just because.....


And it was awful.

momstheword said...

I can't wait for Christmas either, lol! BTW, if I DO borrow the recipe I think I will change it up a bit! Definitely add some warmer weather and no coat.

Beth E. said...

Hahaha! Looks like I found your blog just in time. I found you from...well, I forget where I found you! But, I did and I'm here. :o)

I love this post, and can so totally relate...as, I guess, most women can. lol

My last years of PMS were the absolute worst. By the grace of God, my husband stayed with me. Now, menopause has taken over! Joy...

I'll never make gravy again without thinking of you! Thanks for giving me a chuckle today...I definitely needed one. Shew, it's been a tough coupla weeks.

Blessings...

Farm Chick Paula said...

It's okay, we all have those days....
Although, I've never been that upset over gravy...
But what do I know? I have a chin hair 3 feet long and chicken poop on my jeans. Boy, I'm glad no losers live at this address.