I honestly WANTED to come back here and post how NOT to do gravy... but... well... hey! I guess I can! It's not exactly how you'd probably imagined it (and neither did I, for that matter) but hey, I'm living it. So I'm sharing it.
17 Easy (as pie) steps to
NOT get stuck making gravy
(or any other very important holiday, for that matter)
Step 1. Take a look at your calendar and decide that whichever special day you'd like to celebrate will be appropriately placed right during the peak hours of PMS.
Step 2. Throw such a tizzy fit over every single detail that your spouse drags you out of the house to go buy groceries that you wouldn't do earlier because you couldn't get a grip.
Step 3. Throw a matching tizzy fit, only with more tears and drama, into a conversation while still in the car in the parking lot at the grocery store. Then, refuse to accompany your spouse into the store because you look like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, and watch as he gets out of the car and heads into the store himself. Without a list.
Step 4. Get really upset that your spouse would have the nerve to leave you in the car, whilst having a tizzy, and sporting an embarrassing red nose with coordinating red-rimmed eyelids. Get out of the car, and proceed to walk to nowhere in general.
Step 5. Act all upset when he calls you on your cell phone to ask where the gravy-in-a-jar is located at the stupid store that YOU chose, because he does not know his way around. AT. ALL.
Step 6. Realize he has no clue that you are out wandering strange neighborhoods, and hang up all upset and keep walking to nowhere. Glare at people because they are looking at you.
Step 7. Walk so far that your behind gets sweaty because you have such a huge, warm coat on, and the purse you brought along with you is carrying bricks.
Step 8. Stop at a store far, far away from the above mentioned grocery store to use the restroom because you didn't calculate how far you could walk on a half full bladder to begin with.
Step 9. Leave the restroom, pat the sweat off your forehead (since you already patted it off the other areas) and proceed to the nearest bench to get your pulse back down to "normal" range.
Step 10. Answer the cell phone again. Act like you don't know where you are, as you leave the store in a hurry and cut down a back alley to avoid the only person on the planet who currently thinks you're still worth it.
Step 11. Give in to the persistant man in the car who is circling the block asking you to please get in so we can go home to our children who will surely be wondering where we are at this point. Go home with him. Take a double dose of pain relievers and bounce around between appearing half drunk and feeling half drunk. Hug kids and go to bed.
Step 12. Give children away first thing the next morning. (This is important)
Step 13. Spend a long, lonely day pouting about everything that is bothering you and then take four hours to even begin to resolve earlier conflict.
Step 14. Cry a lot more. Allow spouse to get closer than 10 feet away in order to say it's no big deal to him that all your body parts hurt and that he'll massage them before he goes to make the whole dinner because he loves you.
Step 15. Actually let him do it. Then go try to find his wife.
Step 16. Wipe down the table, and light candles. Sit down with your happy face, and be thankful for everything you have, the blessings you don't deserve, and that you have not been murdered during the preceeding 24 hours.
Step 17. Amen, I can't wait until Christmas.